NYC and Dad's New Girlfriend

Being in NYC has made me think about my mom a lot. I haven't written about it but I think now would be a good time.

There's not a day that goes by still where I don't think about her. I often wonder how she would feel about me being here. Would she be proud, worried, excited, jealous, happy?

I have had a couple dreams about her since I've been here. I'm relieved that they've been pretty happy, or at least not the traumatizing nightmares I used to have. There was one dream which left me very happy and sad at the same time. I dreampt that my mother and Tiffany, my little sister, settled their problems and differences. In my dream, my mother finally recognized Tiffany as a responsible, intelligent woman. When I woke up, I was very happy, but then sad because I missed my mom.

I've had a couple dreams as well of my mom before she was sick. This was surprising to me because I can't even remember much before her diagnosis. Most of my memories of her are from when she was ill.

What really made me think about my mom was my dad's visit this 4th of July weekend. He came with Tiffany and a woman named Lillian. He and Lillian stayed Thursday and Friday, Tiffany stayed until Monday. When I asked my dad a couple weeks ago who Lillian is, he said to call her "Aunt Lillian" and that she was just a friend from Taiwan. When he visited with her, she seemed like more than just a friend. They held hands the majority of the trip, they cuddled in Central Park and at "Hairspray," they wiped each other's sweat off their faces and necks at the subway station...all actions I would consider intimate physical contact. I was shocked and furious, however I did not show it.

Not to sound possessive, but I thought he was coming to visit me, not coming to take this strange lady out on dates with me as their tourguide. I barely spoke to my dad and "Aunt Lillian" barely spoke to me too.

Now, I don't want to be that angry, uncooperative daughter who gets in the way of my dad's dating. I'm okay if my dad dates. I even had a very extensive talk with him in April or May trying to convince him to date again. I told him to tell me if he ever was and that he shouldn't be worried because I encourage him to date. I told him that I felt like anything withing a year of mom's death is too soon, but that's his decision.

He told me then, "I don't want to date again. It's too soon and it's too much of a hassle. I'm not interested in other women. No one's as pretty as your mother."

Looks like he changed his mind. I felt very insulted. I felt like this was a slap in my face. I felt like he was trying to sneak around, like he thought maybe I wouldn't see them hold hands or touch. Towards the end of Friday, it was clear that he didn't mind if we saw.

*sigh* I don't know what to think of all this. Personally, I think this is all too soon and I don't like Lillian. This is not due to jealousy. I had suspected that perhaps my dad was dating another woman, and I really liked her. She was sweet, funny, personable and interested in Tiffany, Wynee, and I. Lillian didn't seem to have a personality at all. Apparently, Lillian is very rich and smart (she's got a PHD) but she didn't say anythign at all the whole time I saw her. She only talked to my dad. Yes, I understand it may be awkward for her, but I feel like she could have made a bigger effort to get to know us.

I know my dad has been speaking with Lillian for some time now. I believe he's been speaking with her since April. This is only 7 or 8 months after my mom's death! When my dad wants to date is his business but I can have my own personal feelings and I personally believe that is far too soon. I'm still coping with her loss and I know my dad is too. He visits her niche everyday or at least multiple times a week. Maybe he told her about Lillian already and she gave him her approval. I don't know.

I just wish my dad would tell me before he brings in a surprise. Especially when I think he's coming to visit me.

How silly of me to think that though.