NYC and Dad's New Girlfriend

Being in NYC has made me think about my mom a lot. I haven't written about it but I think now would be a good time.

There's not a day that goes by still where I don't think about her. I often wonder how she would feel about me being here. Would she be proud, worried, excited, jealous, happy?

I have had a couple dreams about her since I've been here. I'm relieved that they've been pretty happy, or at least not the traumatizing nightmares I used to have. There was one dream which left me very happy and sad at the same time. I dreampt that my mother and Tiffany, my little sister, settled their problems and differences. In my dream, my mother finally recognized Tiffany as a responsible, intelligent woman. When I woke up, I was very happy, but then sad because I missed my mom.

I've had a couple dreams as well of my mom before she was sick. This was surprising to me because I can't even remember much before her diagnosis. Most of my memories of her are from when she was ill.

What really made me think about my mom was my dad's visit this 4th of July weekend. He came with Tiffany and a woman named Lillian. He and Lillian stayed Thursday and Friday, Tiffany stayed until Monday. When I asked my dad a couple weeks ago who Lillian is, he said to call her "Aunt Lillian" and that she was just a friend from Taiwan. When he visited with her, she seemed like more than just a friend. They held hands the majority of the trip, they cuddled in Central Park and at "Hairspray," they wiped each other's sweat off their faces and necks at the subway station...all actions I would consider intimate physical contact. I was shocked and furious, however I did not show it.

Not to sound possessive, but I thought he was coming to visit me, not coming to take this strange lady out on dates with me as their tourguide. I barely spoke to my dad and "Aunt Lillian" barely spoke to me too.

Now, I don't want to be that angry, uncooperative daughter who gets in the way of my dad's dating. I'm okay if my dad dates. I even had a very extensive talk with him in April or May trying to convince him to date again. I told him to tell me if he ever was and that he shouldn't be worried because I encourage him to date. I told him that I felt like anything withing a year of mom's death is too soon, but that's his decision.

He told me then, "I don't want to date again. It's too soon and it's too much of a hassle. I'm not interested in other women. No one's as pretty as your mother."

Looks like he changed his mind. I felt very insulted. I felt like this was a slap in my face. I felt like he was trying to sneak around, like he thought maybe I wouldn't see them hold hands or touch. Towards the end of Friday, it was clear that he didn't mind if we saw.

*sigh* I don't know what to think of all this. Personally, I think this is all too soon and I don't like Lillian. This is not due to jealousy. I had suspected that perhaps my dad was dating another woman, and I really liked her. She was sweet, funny, personable and interested in Tiffany, Wynee, and I. Lillian didn't seem to have a personality at all. Apparently, Lillian is very rich and smart (she's got a PHD) but she didn't say anythign at all the whole time I saw her. She only talked to my dad. Yes, I understand it may be awkward for her, but I feel like she could have made a bigger effort to get to know us.

I know my dad has been speaking with Lillian for some time now. I believe he's been speaking with her since April. This is only 7 or 8 months after my mom's death! When my dad wants to date is his business but I can have my own personal feelings and I personally believe that is far too soon. I'm still coping with her loss and I know my dad is too. He visits her niche everyday or at least multiple times a week. Maybe he told her about Lillian already and she gave him her approval. I don't know.

I just wish my dad would tell me before he brings in a surprise. Especially when I think he's coming to visit me.

How silly of me to think that though.

Stylez Banquet

I got very emotional at the Stylez End of the Year Banquet last week. This caught me by complete surprise because I never cry, EVER, especially when saying goodbye to people. The only time I cry in public is if I'm watching a movie. But I was just overwhelmed by emotions when I had to give a speech.

I realized it was because I wanted to tell my dance mates how appreciative I was for them to be in my life. When I started this school year, I thought it would be terrible, and parts of it were. I really thought I had hit rock bottom. I was an emotionless robot at times but on the inside, I was troubled. Eventhough I did not talk to my dance mates about what happened in my life, they were a very important aspect of my life this year. My dance group was one of the only things that kept me going. My dance group was one of the only things that made me feel any emotion at all. I had great memories with them. I loved the people and all our experiences together.

So I cried really hard when I gave my speech. I even gave a 2nd one. I didnt' tell them that my mom died, but I told them I lost my ties with two of my best friends and lost a close family member all in the same year. This was a huge step for me. I never talk to anyone about my problems or even let them know. But I felt they needed to know this information for them to truly understand my appreciation and love for my teammates. It took an incredible amount of courage as well. Interestingly enough, after I told them that, I felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders. I felt relieved. I felt very happy, to let them know more about me, and to let them know how they've influenced my life.

Without my dance group, I believe handling the loss of my mother would have been far more difficult.

*sigh*

I bought my mother a white carnation for Mother's Day this year. But I was a couple days late b/c I got to the flower shop to late and they were out of white carnations. I felt pretty guilty about buying them late.

Red Scare

Last week, I had a mini freak out session. My father went on vacation in China for about two weeks and he didn't have a cell phone on him and he didn't have computer access all the time. His flight to come back was the day after the disastrous earthquake. When I heard about it, I was petrifried. I called all my relatives and family friends to try and figure out if they knew where he was or if he was okay. I was so scared that he got hurt or ever died. I just thought, "If I lose my father too, I'm just going to lose it. I won't be able to handle all of this. I won't be able to handle losing another person in my life right now." Fear overtook me. My mind was racing with terrible thoughts of the worst. Later on that evening, I found out from a family friend that my father had boarded his plane and had already left for the States.

I'm not sure if my reaction was normal or not, but I was scared out of my mind. I started crying and I couldn't stop worrying. I'm finally adjusting to life without mom and if indeed what I feared happened, I would have to take a long break from school and life as I know it. I'd probably lock myself up at home and vegetate for awhile. I would feel like the world was against me and that God definitely does not exist (not that I really think he even exists now, but I'd doubt his existence even more).

I'm just glad my father alright. I scolded him when he got back. I told him next time he has to let us know he's ok. He laughed and said that "He's always been a lucky guy and nothing bad would ever happen to him." *sigh* *shaking head*

Sudden Sadness

I've been applying for a crazy amount of video and film internships. None of them had responded and I was beginning to lose hope that I would find a good internship in LA or NYC. I was ready to settle for Cbus and a job at the OSU tech store. But yesterday, I got an email from City Lights Media Group! They said that they thought I was perfect for one of their internships and they want to have a brief phone interview with me on Tuesday.

I was ecstatic! I was so overwhelmingly excited! And then, all of a sudden, I started to cry. I got really sad. And it was because I wasn't able to tell my mom that I may be going to NYC for what sounds like a pretty big internship. Even if it's not that big, I wouldn't be able to tell her that Film is what I want to do and that I'm trying to get myself out there. She died before I figured out what I was passionate about. She missed out on that whole chunk of me. And now that I may be getting a internship in NYC (if not, I may even get one in Cbus, which is just as good in my opinion), she's not here to hear me tell her.

I didn't know what to do. I had never felt this quick change in emotion so drastically and so quickly. I was happy, but I was so unbearably upset. I actually wasn't crying...I couldn't. I couldn't breathe. I started panicking. I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I forced myself to put that thought aside.

But now, as I'm telling it to you, it hurts so bad. I've always wanted her to be proud of me. I think she was...but she never said it. I feel like this was one thing she could at least be proud of. I'm moving on into the real world, and she's not here to see it. She's not here to see me continue to develop into my own person...and it hurts.

People at Grief Counseling Group

Last week, I attended the Grief Counseling Session offered through OSU's Counseling center. A new person joined the group. She is a grad student. Her brother, who is a couple years older than her, committed suicide last year. He was schizophrenic.

Sara, who I've mentioned before, lost both her parents to cancer when she was young. Her mother passed away when she was 13 and her father passed away when she was 15. She is a sophomore in college, and she lives in her parents' house.

Kaitlyn is a sophomore here at OSU. Her mother was an alcoholic. Her mother had been ill for the past who years, I believe due to the health issues caused by her alcoholism. She passed away this summer. In addition, Kaitlyn's grandmother and Kaitlyn's dog passed away this summer.

Another girl's father passed away over the summer. She was the youngest of three siblings and was her father's caretaker. She's a student here at OSU. She had to take some time off to address her father's needs. He had some form of cancer in the throat or the mouth, I don't remember exactly. Her father's jaw was removed and he was incapable of feeding himself.

Another girl's close friend committed suicide last year. She also lost her mother when she was about one or two years old. She doesn't exactly understand the feelings with losing a mother, just the feeling of not having a mother figure in her life. She feels very conflicted about her friend's suicide.

Lastly, Frank, who only showed up once or twice, lost his mother when he was in the 8th grade. He is currently a graduate student here at OSU. He has had several complications since his mother's death. His mother and father had a great relationship. When she passed away, his mother removed everything that belonged to her or had her image within the first week. Frank's father never talked about his wife's death and the house was eliminated of her existence in seven days. Over the summer, Frank and his family used to go to a beach house his mother loved. His father sold that house within the first week of the loss. Frank felt very angry with his father for years. The still don't talk about his mother. His father has remarried. Frank now experiences problems in relationships. His girlfriends have said that he's mechanical and emotionless. Eventhough he does all the things a "good boyfriend should" (cook dinner, buy flowers, etc), he has difficulties with intimacy.

I've learned a lot through these people's stories. They've helped me make sense of my situation. Sometimes I feel like these people's stories are so much more tragic than mine and me losing a mother should be no big deal. But, I think that we all have something in common, regardless of the degree of tragedy we saw. We all know what it is like to lose someone. We all question life and death. We have this bond together.

I believe I will continue to go to these sessions for a long time. I am intrigued by people's stories and experiences. It makes me question what is the meaning of life and what I should value. I hope maybe their bios make you questions things too.

Phone Call

I was watching my dance group videos on YouTube, and I felt the sudden urge to give my mom a call. I immediately caught myself however and realized that there was no one to call.

These past few years while I've been in college, I got used to not seeing my mother for long periods of time. So, during the initial loss, it did not feel weird not talking to her or seeing her for awhile. Now, as time is dragging on, I'm catching myself wanting to call her up. Every time this happens, I realize that I can't.

It's starting to sink in, the sense that I will never be able to speak with her again. It hurts because there are so many things I want to share with her. I'm still developing as a person and she'll never be able to see what I'm passionate about or who I am.