Thinking about Future Life Without Mom and Disconnect

My mom never really wanted too much out of life.  Some may say she lived a simple life.  Others may argue differently (in a more pessimistic light).  That's a topic that's too deep for a post while I'm at work.  It's a complicated one.  I'll tell it another day.

Before my mom passed away, she said she was sad that she was going to miss out on seeing her daughters grow up, get married, and have kids.  Not that marriage is a huge deal for me, but I guess in my mind it represents the big events in my futures life.  My mother won't be able to witness me finally getting a real job.  What if I reach my goal of becoming a filmmaker?  She won't be here to watch my films.  She won't meet her grandchildren (if I have any).  

I think though maybe what hurts most, is that I don't think she knew me very well before she left.  She didn't know what my passions are, my favorite color, my dreams and aspirations.  She wasn't familiar with things or people I care about such as my friends and boyfriend.  She said that I was her favorite (A PARENT SHOULD NEVER TELL HER KIDS THAT THEY HAVE A FAVORITE), but she didn't even know me.  I think I just reminded her of herself.  I am the only one of my sisters that looks like her and remotely acts like her.

Ugh.  My brain hurts.  I'm really confused right now.  I don't really know if I'm talking about stuff that fits together.  Maybe I'm just rambling.  I actually have a lot of conflicted emotions about her passing away.  I'm angry, relieved, regretful, apathetic, overwhelmed, just about any emotion you can think of.  There are so many topics in my head: religion, life after death, life before death, the actual feeling of passing away, sickness, mortality, happiness, purpose in life, meaning of life, etc.

I really don't think I can write anything that makes sense right now.  I'll try again another time.