Sudden Sadness

I've been applying for a crazy amount of video and film internships. None of them had responded and I was beginning to lose hope that I would find a good internship in LA or NYC. I was ready to settle for Cbus and a job at the OSU tech store. But yesterday, I got an email from City Lights Media Group! They said that they thought I was perfect for one of their internships and they want to have a brief phone interview with me on Tuesday.

I was ecstatic! I was so overwhelmingly excited! And then, all of a sudden, I started to cry. I got really sad. And it was because I wasn't able to tell my mom that I may be going to NYC for what sounds like a pretty big internship. Even if it's not that big, I wouldn't be able to tell her that Film is what I want to do and that I'm trying to get myself out there. She died before I figured out what I was passionate about. She missed out on that whole chunk of me. And now that I may be getting a internship in NYC (if not, I may even get one in Cbus, which is just as good in my opinion), she's not here to hear me tell her.

I didn't know what to do. I had never felt this quick change in emotion so drastically and so quickly. I was happy, but I was so unbearably upset. I actually wasn't crying...I couldn't. I couldn't breathe. I started panicking. I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I forced myself to put that thought aside.

But now, as I'm telling it to you, it hurts so bad. I've always wanted her to be proud of me. I think she was...but she never said it. I feel like this was one thing she could at least be proud of. I'm moving on into the real world, and she's not here to see it. She's not here to see me continue to develop into my own person...and it hurts.